Editorial spoof Free Speech play‏

by lewwaters

Submitted by Professor Robert Dean

Students, Free Speech 102 is now in session. Today, we have a guest lecturer, Professor Robert Dean, from Australia. Professor Dean is a distinguished graduate of the Dan Rather Excellence in Journalism workshop and of the Pol Pot Reeducation Camp program at the University of Phnom Penh.

Professor Dean: Before we start, I want to make sure you all have the prerequisite History and Constitutional Law classes. Good! As you know, the US Government did not grant us the right to free speech, as many believe today. No, freedom of speech is a fundamental human right granted to all humankind by our Creator. Does anyone here know who our Creator is?

Tom H: Yes, but I’m not allowed to say or I’ll lose my government scholarship.

Professor Dean: Anyone else? Is anyone putting himself through college by working? No? Well, let’s move on. Most people in the US know that the 1st Amendment to the constitution guarantees us the right to freedom of speech and freedom of worship. That guarantee is to protect us from someone, or some entity, who might want to take away, or in some way abridge, our freedoms. Does anyone here know who or what that entity might be?

Susan S: The Republicans?

Professor Dean: Well… Uh… yes. Any other suggestions? No? Well, actually the constitution is designed to protect our fundamental human rights from infringement by the Government. When was the US constitution written?

Sean P: I’m not sure when but my Earth Science teacher told me in Middle School that it is obsolete now because times they are a changing.

Professor Dean: Not so much! Actually, the US constitution was written in 1787 and the Washington constitution was written 100 years later in 1889 and many of the same principles are repeated and even clarified and solidified. For instance, what is the purpose of the 2nd Amendment?

Harry B: We had that in Middle School, too. The 2nd Amendment guarantees us the right to have a state police force and National Guard.

Professor Dean: Yes, that is what we are taught. But, the Washington constitution, and just about every other state constitution, makes it clear that the right to keep and bear arms is a fundamental human right to self defense. It is the same with free speech. Turn in your handouts to the Washington Constitution Article 1 Section 5. Can someone read that out to the class?

Brittany S: “Every person may freely speak, write and publish on all subjects…” According to this, there can be no censorship, then.

Professor Dean: Agreed! Except that the next part says we are presumed responsible for the abuse of that right. Can anyone think of a modern day example where censorship might be called for?

Tim L: How about when citizens want to harangue the Council about the CRC? I mean, that’s not even city business and it’s our meeting. We just get tired of having to hear over and over and over again how we made a bad decision by not allowing a public vote. It makes me want to cut off the mic and shut down Citizens Communications altogether.

Jim M: You got my vote, Tim! A bunch of goofballs, anyway!

Professor Dean: Good example, Tim! But, is it your meeting? Turn in your handouts to RCW 42.30.010. Can someone read that out for the class?

John L: Hounds of Whinerville I call them.
Christine G: The legislature finds and declares that all public commissions, boards, councils, committees, subcommittees, departments, divisions, offices, and all other public agencies of this state and subdivisions thereof exist to aid in the conduct of the people’s business.

The people of this state do not yield their sovereignty to the agencies which serve them. The people, in delegating authority, do not give their public servants the right to decide what is good for the people to know and what is not good for them to know. The people insist on remaining informed so that they may retain control over the instruments they have created.

Jack B: Yeah, but some of these “citizens” don’t even live in the City!

Professor Dean: RCW 42.30.030. Can someone read that out for the class?

Madonna: All meetings of the governing body of a public agency shall be open and public and all persons shall be permitted to attend any meeting of the governing body of a public agency, except as otherwise provided in this chapter.

Ted G: Ah ha! Attend, see! It says attend, not speak!

Professor Dean: Read on. Can someone read RCW 42.30.910?

Nancy P: The purposes of this chapter are hereby declared remedial and shall be liberally construed.

Rush L: See! I told you so!

Professor Dean: Liberally construed means you effectuate the constitution and the stated intent of the legislature; as opposed to quibbling over words like a Philadelphia lawyer might do. Someone read Article 1 Section 1 of the Washington State Constitution.

John L: Ankle biters.

Josephine W: All political power is inherent in the people, and governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed, and are established to protect and maintain individual rights.

Professor Dean: What is job 1 of every government agency in the state of Washington? Answer: To protect and maintain individual rights.

John L: Nimbies.

POTUS: I think it is high time we all return to more civil public discourse.

Andrea D: Liars!

John L: I am being civil. You’ll notice I haven’t called out anyone by name. Some people are just hypersensitive. Tell you what, P. Baby, I say, if the shoe fits – wear it.

Jim M: They get what they deserve!

Professor Dean: Which brings us to the role of the media. What part does the media play in protecting individual rights of citizens?

Andrea D: Investigate them!

Professor Dean: Pardon?

John L: That will only encourage their delusions of self importance.

Professor Dean: Who can tell me what is meant by the “Fourth Estate?”

Andrea D: So sue me.

Professor Dean: Anyone?…anyone?…Brancaccio?…Brancaccio?

Somewhere in the distance a dog barks.

13 Comments to “Editorial spoof Free Speech play‏”

  1. Very well done Lew. You nailed Laird… a crabby old man muttering inane insults.

    I don’t think Lou will appreciate being hoisted with his own petard though…

    Like

  2. Craig, I take no credit. It was submitted by the writer for posting.

    And yes, he did a great job.

    Like

  3. Lou B: Thanks Lew, my good, good, good, good, GOOD friend and bestest buddy in da whole wide intarwebs, at least on this side of Chicago. Your sage words would bring tears to my eyes if only I could read and understand a sentence with more than ten words in it. This makes me want to turn over a new leaf, seek a new lease on life, shed that old corporate “me”, rediscover my inner ‘Cooter, get naked and go live in the gutter with the rest of the 99% until I can get some of my self respect back. But, hey!

    John L: Frickin’ whiny Occupussy……

    Jeanzilla: GAVELHIMDOWN!!! GAVELHIMDOWN!! GAVELHIMDOWN!! GAVELHIMDOWN!!!

    Like

  4. Lew – thanks for the correction. I thought “Professor Robert Dean” was a psuedonym. I guess he must be the Robert Dean I see commenting on The Columbian?

    At any rate, well done Robert!

    Like

  5. And if Robert Dean is actually a Professor, that’s amazing as I assumed they’d all been assimilated by the pod people years ago.

    Like

  6. I’m sure Andrea D. will be looking into it. I have a masters degree – ask me anything.

    Like

  7. Well done, Robert.

    Like

  8. BartH: I want to thank everyone who believed the smoke and mirrors that makes it appear like my victory was due to something other than the non-stop campaign my friends at the Columbian waged for me against my opponent…what was her name again…?? It’s hard to believe I didn’t have to campaign on any real issues and I am really grateful for the Columbian’s assistance on getting my appointment “approved” by the voters.

    Thanks for not pointing out that I got only 13,012 votes out of 77,679 ballots sent out. I would like to thank not just the 16.75% of the registered voters who checked my name, but the other 50,510 registered voters who could not be bothered to even return a ballot that was mailed to them.

    I want to personally thank Columbian Publisher Scott Campbell and Editor Lou Brancaccio for never, ever allowing my name to appear within a column foot of the phrase “C-Tran Board of Directors”, or identifying myself and Larry Smith as actually being directly responsible for Proposition 1. The way your paper created diversions, ignored pertinent facts about me while demonizing Josephine Wentzel and invoking that hated Christian extremist “Madore” every chance you got was just masterful.

    My thanks to you all for helping me win by campaigning on nothing more than what a nice family guy I am who really needs the paycheck to feed his little children, and concealing all the work I’ve done over the years for almost every local Democrat.

    I also want to congratulate that dame Andrea for successfully taking over the old poison pen that Kathy the Dustbin has used for so long to do the Columbian’s dirty work. Nice to see a fresh face dishing out the local agitprop.

    LarryS: I’d like to thank my supporters but I have limits on the number of characters I can use at one time. (Sent via my Blackberry)

    JackB: Welcome back to the club Bart. Check your inbox in your office downtown for your copy of the new talking points we’ll be using to demonize and isolate Turlay the same way we do that Stewart woman.

    MayorP: There was an election?

    Like

  9. I’m still chuckling over Bob Koski’s 1:22 pm post. That is hilarious!

    Like

  10. Bob, Why are you not doing a blog? Laugh OUT LOUD. Too bad I miss your agitprop appointing committee online meetings or is that Larry “the retired navy” Patella who runs those??

    Thanks for clearing my eye space with tears of joy and laughter……

    Like

  11. The first rule about Clarkblog, is that you do not talk about Clarkblog.

    The second rule about Clarkblog is that YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT CLARKBLOG.

    And you should refer to me as “that blogger”……….

    Like

  12. Bob ~ And the third and the newest rule is: Let us move on…

    Sounds like a good plan eh?

    Like

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