By PROFESSOR ROBERT DEAN
Tim L: Welcome to the first annual meeting of the Clark County Gang of 14. The meeting will now come to order. Tap! Tap!
Jeanne H: Gimme that gavel!
Tim L: Back off, Jeanne. We had that one gilded.
Jack B: Bravo, Tim!
Tim L: First order of…
Jack B: Business
Tim L: Business – we need to…
Steve S: Congratulate.
Tim L: Congratulate ourselves for pushing through the new admissions tax for the giant trash burning woodstove Downtown.
Steve S: Oh God!
Scott H: Point of order! The tax was for the baseball stadium.
Tim L: Quite right. I was getting ahead of myself. Which brings us to the second order of business – we need a mission statement.
Rhona S: We have one of them at the Columbian. You could just use ours.
Tim L: Thank you Rhona. But mission statements serve an important feel-good function and the exercise of formulation cannot be dispensed with.
Bart H: And besides, I think we should write our own.
Tim L: Great! So I thought we would do a free flowing brainstorming session; stream of consciousness. Just say whatever comes to your mind – don’t think about it. Our Secretary will write down each suggestion.
Lou B: Got it!
Tim L: OK, what is our purpose?
Tim S: Generate government contracts!
Royce P: Silence the majority!
Eli K: Feed at the trough!
Steve S: Run for Congress!
Ed L: Snap up distressed real estate!
Tim S: Schmooze the elected officials who hand out the government contracts.
John L: Screw the tea-baggers!
Tim L: OK, that’s probably enough. Lou, could you read those back?
Lou B: Clark County Gang of 14 Statement of Purpose – Our mission is to enhance the economic vitality of Clark County by fostering public involvement, promoting public/private partnerships and investment opportunities, and promoting community harmony through a shared vision for a prosperous future.
John L: Screw the public!
Tim L: Thanks Lou! I think you got it all. Obviously, we’ll have to massage it a bit to distill it down to the essence of what we’re trying to achieve. Maybe have some of your staff work on it a little.
John L: Screw the home-schoolers!
Lou B: I’ll put Stephanie on it. She has a real knack for these verbatim quotes.
Tim L: Next item, do we have anything for Good of the Order?
Steve S: I’d like to nominate a new member – Marc Boldt.
John L: Over my dead body!
Tim L: Are you sure, Steve? Can we trust him? Didn’t Marc used to be conservative?
Royce P: Didn’t you used to be against tolls?
Tim L: That’s not fair, Royce! You and I both know that was only so I…
Steve S: He’s sworn off that. He promised me.
Steve H: Move we table the nomination.
Tim L: Very good! Next meeting we will restore jobs and prosperity to Clark County. Until then, meeting is adjourned! Play ball!
