Submitted by Professor Robert Dean
Bill B: Gentlemen, as County Manager, I have convened this workshop of the Clark County Commissioners to discuss the opportunity to heat and power county buildings in Downtown Vancouver using alternative energy sources – specifically, a bio-mass plant. Commissioner Steve S., I believe this was your idea.
Steve S: Thank you Bill! Yes, as you all know I am not a one-trick pony. Like the President, I have friends on both sides of the environmental protection movement. I was approached by some well-dressed fellows in black suits – I’m not sure which side they were on – who made us a business proposition we couldn’t refuse.
Marc B: I’m agin it!
Steve S: But Marc, why?
Marc B: I’m agin it! My dear old Dad was a farmer. He told me, Son – always be agin it. I have to remain true to his admonition. It’s what I stand for. It’s who I am.
Steve S: But you haven’t heard what their offer is.
Marc B: I’m agin it!
Steve S: OK, Tom, are you interested?
Tom M: I’m listening.
Marc B: Sort of one of my core principles, you might say.
Steve S: OK, right before they left a horse’s head on my pillow, they said for a mere $395,000.00 down, we could build a giant detritus-burning power plant Downtown.
Tom M: $395,000.00 is a lot of money.
Steve S: Yes, but it allows us to take advantage of a $225,000.00 federal block grant that’s just hanging out there.
Marc B: Block grant? You mean freebies?
Steve S: Yes!
Marc B: I like freebies!
Bill B: It’s not so simple Marc. Federal block grants come with strings attached
Marc B: Freebie strings?
Bill B: Usually, they are matching funds.
Marc B: I like matching funds!
Tom M: Detritus?
Steve S: Detritus – debris – trash – garbage.
Tom M: Won’t that be smelly?
Bill B: We thought of that. We hired one of the top consulting firms in Vancouver. They suggest we burn green slash left over from logging operations.
Steve S: They’re still logging? I thought we shu…
Bill B: Even though it will still give off odors, they say the plant will be no worse than the papermaking plant in Downtown Camas.
Tom M: I …don’t… know.
Marc B: $225,000.00?
Bill B: Another suggestion was that we use detritus from the Frito-Lay plant. That way, it will smell like roasted tortillas.
Tom M: Well, if it provides a market for slash for our woodland owners, I say let’s do it!
Marc B: I’m in.
Bill B: One glitch. The bio-mass plant will have to go on County-owned land zoned Light Industrial. We’re not so sure this fits.
Steve S: Let’s ask our Prosecuting Attorney Civil Division.
Chris H: It’s been my experience hot air rises. What could be lighter than that?
Bronson P: Slam dunk!
Bill B: Thanks, fellas! Next problem: how do we truck the slash from the landings to the plant Downtown?
Marc B: Let’s get an FTA grant to extend light rail into the rural areas and out to the landings.
Steve S: That’s it then! Let’s do it.
Tim L: Not so fast!
Marc B: Ah yes! The NIMBYs!
Tim L: If you think you’re going to build a giant trash burning woodstove in Downtown Vancouver you’ve got another thing coming!
Steve S: Don’t listen to him. He just wants to edge me out of Jaime’s congressional seat.
Tim L: We’re putting a moratorium on all development in the Light Industrial Zone until we find a way to block you for good!
Ring Ring!
Steve S: Excuse me. I’ve got to take this call. Hello…no, the City nixed it…I know it’s just business…a boat ride?…Great! Thanks!…I don’t have any cannoli.
Clark County Conservative 