Columbian Newsroom: Meeting of the Mavens

by lewwaters

College 4 Satire by Professor Robert Dean

Lou Brancaccio: Heads up! Gather round! Staff meeting, meeting of the Mavens!

Erik Hidel: Mavens? Who ever says mavens?

Eric Florip: Better than “The Couve.”

Erik: Not much.

Lou: Gather, gather.

Lou: Okay, is everyone here?

Gordon Oliver:  Cami Joner is on assignment.

John Laird:  I’m here.

Gordon Oliver:  She’s covering all the health and beauty spas in town.

Scott Campbell: What’s her expense account like?

Lou: Gees, pretty hefty!

Stevie Mathieu: Everyday she comes in with different colored toenails and a new coif.

Scott: That’s OK. Just keep her away from any more stories on the CRC. We don’t want her to go all Andrea on us.

Lou: She’s good now.

Scott: That reminds me, Oliver, you did a story recently that almost criticizes the CRC. What’s with that?

Lou: My fault, Scott, it got by me. All the same, Oliver, what were you thinking?

Oliver: Hey, I didn’t write that!  I found it crumpled up in the waste bin after Andrea cleaned out her desk.

Scott: Okay, okay, it doesn’t really matter whose fault it is; just don’t let it happen again.

Scott: And what about the online addition?

Lou: John, anything to report?

John Hill: No not really. Just the usual people keep making snide comments and I keep deleting them. Here’s one, though.  I got a message from a reader. How do you think I should respond?

“John please monitor G. O. more closely for compliance with your standards when he posts on All Politics is Local and slams failed legislative candidate Carolyn Crain. His posts come across as boorish and insensitive and they detract from the clever satire of Stephanie Rice and Lou Brancaccio.”

Stephanie Rice: Yeah, that G. O. is a pain in the b***. Makes us all look bad.

Lou: He might not be very articulate but he gets it about grinding down the CRC critics.

John Hill: Yeah, but people are starting to post comments about the family crisis that Carolyn is facing. It makes us look like bullies.

Eric Florip: That’s right, and what if they start posting about how David Madore beat Marc Boldt like an old rug?

Stephanie Rice: That’s alright, we’ll just post the pictures of Marc Boldt weeping at his farewell dinner and make them all look like the insensitive jerks they are. Anyhow, I’d like to continue using that failed legislative candidate tag on Carolyn; it’s too good to pass up.

John Laird: I came up with that.

Lou: Okay anything else we need to deal with? Tim Leavitt you’ve been sitting there quietly. Do you have anything to offer this time?

Tim: Yes, I want to go on the payroll.

All: Groans!

Scott Campbell: Tim, we’ve already been over this before. We can’t afford it.

Tim: You can’t afford it ? I might not get re-elected this year! Are you just going to throw me out like an old rag?

Lou: Look, Tim, you need us as much as we need you. If you don’t get re-elected we won’t need you at all. And besides, your other employer, PBS Engineering + Environmental, already gave you $9,000 to become mayor – and we kept that out of the paper. Now do you see how much you need us?

Tim: Yeah, but PBS got a $100,000 on-call contract from Tri-Met. Now that cow has being milked.

Scott Campbell: And we kept that out of the paper, too. What more do you want from us?  And besides, if we put you on the payroll it would be illegal.

Tim: No it wouldn’t! Hell, the city attorney, Ted Gathe, said it wasn’t even illegal for me not to declare that PBS got that $100,000 contract with TriMet, and me being on the board of C-Tran handing out a multi-million dollar contract to my employer’s biggest client.  The C-Tran attorney even agreed with him.

Scott: You don’t get it Tim. Those government attorneys don’t come cheap. I’m telling you it would be illegal, okay? Let’s move on to something else.

Lou: Who has the Idsinga is a racist story?

Tyler Graf: Me!

Tim Leavitt:  I’m not buying it.

Lou: Tyler, make sure you paint them all with the same brush.

Tyler: I wouldn’t have thought it, but Battle Ground is fun; like Yacolt on steroids!

Tim Leavitt: I’m going to ask Ted Gathe.

Lou: Look, Tim, you might be right, OK? But it’s all about appearances. If we put you on the payroll it would not look right. You know that.

Lou: Okay, who has the Benton is on the take story?

Lou: Oh, that’s me.

Scott: Try this: “There is a principle involved. If you can take a buck when you really shouldn’t be, you can take a million.”

Lou: Ooh! I like it! Email it to me.

Tim Leavitt: You could afford it if you wanted to afford it.

Lou: Tim, it’s not about the money. It’s about integrity; journalistic integrity.

All: Hear! Hear!

Lou: I can use that, too. Let me jot that down.  Integru… Anyone got a dictionary handy?

Scott: Okay guys and gals – if there’s nothing else, meeting adjourned!

Tim Leavitt: I still say it’s not fair.

11 Responses to “Columbian Newsroom: Meeting of the Mavens”

  1. So The Columbian is just another High School “Journalism” Class?

  2. If only their articles were as good as this.

  3. I notice John Hill took down the offending G. O. posts. That meant I couldn’t spell his name so I used G. O. instead.

  4. Time to promote Willamette Week. ( And I have absolutely 0 investment to promote by saying this). Robert and Lew would be a good start on the desk for this side of the river.

  5. WillyWeek is a great paper it makes The Columbian look like Pravda.

  6. Mr. Leavitt’s PBS Engineering + Environmental also did the asbestos exposure testing at the City of Camas when an office employee was exposed to asbestos during the Fire Department remodel. Funny thing is the room where the exposure took place was not tested for contaminate level as required by law. Instead a room that was also contaminated but where no exposure had taken place had the required test. When the Camas Public Employees Association Lawyer: Patrick Emmal was contacted via email about the PBS testing, he did not respond. Makes me wonder how many government contracts go to good old pals.

  7. We had a good program that paid for itself in this County. It was meant to keep older folk’s homes warm and dry, and did a great job. The cost of improvements would be returned when the home sold. Then came the lead and asbestos “abatement” companies, and sucked up all the grant monies before anything else could be done. Incredible amounts of money to wrap a pipe with duct tape, for instance. (“Encapsulation”) Nothing would be left for roof and structural repairs, making a joke of the expenditures. Lots of suits and Benz’s showed up to “bid” though. And this is but one of the many fleecing scams run on our better angels.

  8. This A Game has been being polished for quite some time, you see. I see a former DOT exec was just hired to “consult” on CRC for a mere $2.4 Million! Not build one thing, just talk. “Move things along” through the ball of BS we now call government.

  9. Shouldn’t “Mavens” be changed to “Morons”?


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