By Professor Robert Dean
People read his weekly column and think he’s just an idiot and dismiss him out of hand. But, what most people don’t realize is that he has a lifelong learning disability called Malaplexia.
Malaplexia is a rare condition that causes those suffering under it to always use the wrong word; even though they don’t mean to. For instance, try as he might, John will always use the word “coalition” to describe the self-interested CRC boosters when he means “cabal.” “Snakes” comes out as “stakeholders.” He tries to write “elites” but all he gets is “alliances.”
And don’t question his motives, either. You might think he is pandering to his boss, Scott Campbell, and responding to the call to “raise the decibels.” In fact, he is secretly screwing his boss and the Newspaper by spiking his retirement; working overtime.
As you say, John will retire soon. I can’t imagine he’ll get much true love at his send-off. Maybe, Clark County Conservative could pitch in and buy him a leather-bound and embossed thesaurus – give a little speech and explain to him that it’s not an extinct reptile.
