(SPOOF) Ed Lynch: Turning More than Heads

by lewwaters


College 4A spoof by Professor Robert Dean. Where appropriate, names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Photo by Jim Mains

Photo by Jim Mains

Ed, Dollie Lynch honored for a lifetime of giving

Buzz! Buzz!

Jim Mains: Yes, Betty?

Secretary: There’s a Mr. David Madore here to see you sir. He says he has a 4 o’clock.

Jim Mains: Oh yes! Get him a cup of coffee would you – I won’t be long.

Jim Mains: So Bart, here’s the thing. I know you’re taking a lot of grief for it but I’m telling you it is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Ring! Ring!

Secretary: Yes sir?

Jim Mains: Betty, will you show Mr. Hanson out the back way? Thank you!

Jim Mains: We’ll see you again next week, Bart. And don’t worry, you’re doing fine. Oh, for homework read the complete works of Mark Twain. There’ll be a quiz.

Betty: Mr. Madore – Mr. Mains will see you now.

Jim Mains: David! Good to see you! So glad you dropped by! How are things with you?

David Madore: Good afternoon, Jim! I’m doing great! The Lord has been good to me. Where’s Ed?

Jim Mains: Mr. Lynch sends his regrets. Something came up – you know how it is. Sit down, sit down.

David Madore: Oh, yes. Well, tell him for me, and I really wanted to tell him myself, tell him how really sorry and embarrassed I am that a few of my Facebook followers were so rude to him.

Jim Mains: Oh, Hey! No! I can assure you Mr. Lynch understands. We have some jerks on our side too.

David Madore: I know. But those reporters are just doing their jobs. There’s no excuse for my friends to go negative – especially with someone as generous and compassionate as Ed Lynch. Ed and Dolly Lynch have given and given and given to this community out of their own money, even though they didn’t have to, asking nothing in return – tens and perhaps $100 million over the decades; who wouldn’t respect that?

David Madore: You know, I’ve always admired Ed Lynch – he’s one of my heroes. I’ve even tried to emulate him by assembling a stable of like-minded politicians, appointing my friends to government posts, and buying elections and all that. I don’t know, that’s why I’m here to see you, maybe you can help me; I just can’t seem to outspend Ed Lynch. How does he do it?

Jim Mains: Well, you know, David, Mr. Lynch has been at this a long time – you’re just a novice. But, that’s why he set up the Ed Lynch Company and hired me. Yes, we can certainly help you with this.

Ring! Ring!

Jim Mains: Excuse me, David, I have to take this call – it’s from Mr. Lynch.

Jim Mains: Yes, Sir? …With David Nierenberg! Himself?…His lawyer…Yes, Sir. He’s right here. I’ll ask him…email. Very good…Good bye!

Jim Mains: Well, that was fortuitous! Mr. Lynch was just wondering what real estate you own and where you do your banking. Maybe we can get that information from you later. What’s that tune you were whistling just now? It sounds familiar somehow.

David Madore: Jesus loves me this I know…It’s one of my favorites.

Jim Mains: Did you sign up for our coaching plan?

David Madore: Yes, I filled out the forms and wrote the check while I was waiting. I want the Cadillac plan.

Jim Mains: Blue Chip? Got it! Betty showed you, didn’t she, how Blue Chip gets you one year free trial membership with Identity Clark County?

Jim Mains: Alright, let’s get started.

Jim Mains: Let me explain a little more about our program. We offer facilitation, political strategies, team leadership and motivation, fundraising, social media communication strategies, image development, life skills coaching, and performance management. Which areas interest you the most?

David Madore: Fundraising.

Jim Mains: Got it. Anything else?

David Madore: Maybe image development.

Jim Mains: Go on.

David Madore: Well, take Ed Lynch for instance. I don’t do anything much different than him and yet I get castigated for it and he get nothing but accolades. It’s not that I’m jealous or anything but gee whiz, how does he do it?

Jim Mains: Anything else?

David Madore: No, not really. Just those two.

Jim Mains: OK! Next, what are your goals? What are your ambitions? Congress? The Senate?

David Madore: Oh, heck, nothing like that! No, I just want a little respect. I mean, doesn’t everybody? Well, take Ed Lynch for instance. Here some boorish uppity citizens criticize him in a political flyer and the whole town turns out in his defense. The mayor and all the way from minor political figures to a Fortune 500 Republican power broker all pile on to the citizens. Even the newspaper rips the critics. How does he do it? No, my only ambition is to one day be named First Citizen of Vancouver. Can you get me there?

Jim Mains: How soon?

David Madore: What?

Jim Mains: When do you want to be named First Citizen?

David Madore: Golly! Gee! I don’t know. How about 2016?

Jim Mains: Too soon!

David Madore: 2018?

Jim Mains: Nope. Considering how far you are behind the eight ball now I think we’d better shoot for 2022. How’s that?

David Madore: Golly! Gee! Wow! That’d be great!

Jim Mains: Well, David, let me congratulate you! You zeroed in on the two keys to success in the political arena – fundraising and image. Get those two right and everything else falls in place.

David Madore: What about integrity?

Jim Mains: Integrity will get you a good night’s sleep, but as the English would have it, buggerall else!

David Madore: Really? You mean I’ve been on a dead-end track all this time.

Jim Mains: Not quite. Integrity will get you just so far – but with the wrong people. Take Tim Leavitt, for instance. He was all worried about his integrity, too, at one time. We were able to convince him that people are more interested in getting a piece of the government largess than they are in his personal issues of self-respect. When he flipped on tolls after getting elected as mayor we assured him that the Columbian would protect his image by painting him as a thoughtful administrator willing to sacrifice his own career in politics for the greater public good. Everyone bought it.

David Madore: Interesting. How did you get the Columbian on board with that?

Jim Mains: Bankruptcy. We had them by the gonads, so to speak. It wasn’t even our money – that’s the beauty of it. The City kicked in $20 million of taxpayer money to bail them out.

David Madore: The borrower is a slave to the lender – Proverbs 22:7.

Jim Mains: It’s more than that even. It’s not just getting a few politicians to toe the line for you; you’ve got to control the Establishment. That’s fundraising – it’s all about fundraising.

David Madore: Political fundraising? Aren’t we talking about political fundraising?

Jim Mains: David, David, David! You’re missing it altogether. Political fundraising is how you start out. Then you build up, piece by piece, a stable of incumbents who depend on you. Then you get them to appoint your apprentices to important boards and commissions. You make your donations to those boards and commissions – that builds loyalty. Look at the names of the business and community leaders who signed the letter urging Oregon Governor Kitzhaber the restart the Oregon Only Plan for the CRC – the Quisling letter your guys called it; that was brilliant by the way. You’d be hard pressed to find any of the names on there that haven’t been appointed to some prestigious board or whose board they already serve on doesn’t accept huge donations from us and our apprentices.

David Madore: I’m already doing that. Look at Don Benton.

Jim Mains: Good job on that, too, David. But you’re still missing something.

David Madore: I know, I know. But what is it?

Jim Mains: We call it the Multiplication Principle.

David Madore: How so?

Jim Mains: Applying the Multiplication Principle you make sure every donation has a return on investment – minimum 127%. That applies across the board – political donations, charitable contributions, everything. What line of work are you in? Computers and digital gadgets and stuff, right?

David Madore: US Digital makes optical encoders and laser thingamajiggies. I’m the founder, inventor, CEO retired and now President.

Jim Mains: OK, so you make a $30,000 political donation to stop tolls on the CRC. What does that get you? What’s the return on that investment?

David Madore: Well? I suppose there is not a monetary return, really. But there’s a lot of good will generated among fellow citizens and such.

Jim Mains: Ha! Fellow citizens? Good will? Do they ever contribute any cash themselves or do they leave it all up to you?

David Madore: Well, these are hard times. People are hurting.

Jim Mains: Cop out, David! Look at McKay and Sposito. Look at David Evans and Associates. Look at Eric Fuller. Look at Elie Kassab. When the Great Recession hit did they sit around and cry about hard times? No! They came to us and we generated some juicy government contracts for them to munch on until things pick up in the private sector again. Even the Columbian bankruptcy – that was all our attorneys, accountants, and realtors getting a cut.

Jim Mains: That’s what I mean by the Multiplication Principle. Look, Ed Lynch comes from Kiewitt Construction, right. So where does Kiewitt get its money? Construction projects, right?! Public works infrastructure construction projects. Taxpayer funded, no bid, design build, with a nice little cost overruns clause allowing lucrative change orders. Multiplication, David, multiplication!

David Madore: OK, so that explains all the Republicans Ed has backed through the years but how did he get control of the Democrats?

Jim Mains: Think, David, think. Public works? Prevailing wage? Public employees? Unions? Multiplication!

David Madore: I see.

Jim Mains: Well, David. That’s your first session. What do you think?

David Madore: Oh, man! It’s almost too much for me to take in all at once. I’m going to have to pray about it.

Jim Mains: Ha! Good for you, David! Same time next week? And here’s my cell if you want to talk about what we discussed.

Ring! Ring!

Secretary: Yes sir?

Jim Mains: Betty, will you show Mr. Madore out the back way? Thank you!


Two days later in a US Digital board room.

David Madore: Thank you for doing the invocation this time, Arnold.

David Madore: Right, well, I’ve called this meeting of the Design and Innovation Team to announce a new line of facial recognition scanners we’ll be developing for the State of Oregon. These scanners will have to be able to recognize every face from 250 feet away through the windshield of a speeding automobile and match it up to an Oregon drivers’ license photo on file.

Arnold: With all due respect, Mr. Madore, I’ve been your Chief Engineer for 20 years now and I’ve effectuated every hair-brained idea you’ve ever had – but this time I’m afraid it can’t be done.

David gives a slight nod in the direction of his Human Resources Director standing by the door. Arnold is quietly ushered from the room.

David Madore: Now, as I was saying, this scanner is needed by the Oregon Department of Transportation and we have already been paid $375 million of the $678 million contract. I got the email from Patricia McCaig and I checked our Cayman Islands account – it’s in there. Get to work and don’t tell Tiffany!

David Madore: Anna, I need you to stay.

Anna Milner: Yes, Sir!

David Madore: Pull all our ads for no tolls candidates. I’m redirecting our efforts to support only pro-CRC incumbents from now on.

Anna Milner: What?! You’re not serious! What brought this about?

David Madore: The new line of scanners. Jim Mains introduced me to Patricia McCaig and she mentioned that the Oregon Legislature won’t approve the new Oregon Only CRC if any Oregon citizens have to pay a toll. They can exempt Oregon plates already but what if someone borrows a car with Washington plates on it? They need a way to toll the driver, not the car.

Anna Milner: I quit!

David Madore: Suit yourself.

David Madore: Singing softly to himself – God will take care of me. Through every day. O’er all the way…

3 Comments to “(SPOOF) Ed Lynch: Turning More than Heads”

  1. Great lesson there professor! Glad Mr Madore is not for sale really!

  2. This reads eeirly like The Screwtape Letters. I think though, it accurately portrays how political power is accumulated and used throughout the country.

  3. I spent time rebuilding old people’s houses under Clark County Housing Rehabilitation Project grants. It was a beautiful program wherein they were charged a simple 3% per year interest rate, with a lien returning the funds should the house ever sell (usually upon death). Good for them and good for the community. It was not a give-away. The main push was to re-roof and re-window the homes, upgrading furnaces, insulating, and such. Then came a law giving preference to lead and asbestos abatement. Very expensive cars and nice suits began showing up for the bid walk through’s. Most clever were the ‘encapsulation’ aspects, wherein they wrapped duct tape around the existing asbestos tapes, charging thousands and thousands. Soon enough, there was not enough funding to do much else. Of the dedicated $35 thousand per household, hardly anything was left after these clever clowns got done, and I abandoned bidding. I never doubted it would be most interesting to see who owned these outfits. Then there was the landfill

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